careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
