God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
