just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
