I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
