I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
