Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
