Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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