Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
