no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
