If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
