Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Send help, water and tortillas.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
