I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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