My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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