They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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