She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
