I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
