In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
