dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
