no, he came in my armpit
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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