I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
