I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
