just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Drake has all the answers
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
