OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
