I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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