Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
