I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
