Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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