I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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