I wanna bring you to show and tell
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
