Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
