Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
