i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
