On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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