onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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