what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
tequila makes me forget i have legs
two words...techno handjob
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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