dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
