How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
