All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
