so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
