Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize