I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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