Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
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