I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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