If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
