last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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