You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
