oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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