I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
