When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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