eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
