I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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