my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
