Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
