I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
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Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
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He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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