hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
