So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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