you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
