clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
