Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
