Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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