Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
